Day 18. Back to Regular Programming.

It took some time but I think my subconscious has finally stopped looking for the chaos, unpredictability and toxic-ness of day-to-day life that was characteristic of the months when dad was ill, up to the time of his wake.

The first two weeks collided with much resistance to moving on. There was a feeble voice who demanded that I try to recapture the noise and confusion that was, instead of dealing with the silence and calm that is.

Little by little, the once-forgotten yet familiar monotonous routine of everyday is beginning to feel comfortable again.

So much so, that when random people suddenly ask me about anything related to dad, or ask me how I’m doing — I get shaken up. At certain moments, I have to physically stop myself from snapping “I don’t wanna talk about it.

The past few nights, I’ve been dreaming about dad.

Not the kind of dreams I longed to have immediately after he passed away. It wasn’t dad as he is now, gone but come back in my sleep to comfort me and tell me he’s alright.

No. A recurrent dream takes me back to the weeks he was in the hospital.

In another dream, he’s alive but ill – and has apparently separated with my mom, so now mom is dating another man. I saw the “other” man in my dream, and he didn’t look anywhere close to the kind of guy I’d want my mom to be with. He was skinny, short, had long, limp and greasy hair and looked like a homeless giggolo.

I don’t know what any of this means. In my conscious mind, I actually wish for my mom to find someone she can grow old with… not immediately, of course.

If it did happen, I wouldn’t mind. My dad will always live on in each one of us, and if mom falls in love with someone else, it’s not a betrayal of what dad was and who he meant to mom. We all deserve to be happy and taken care of.

Hence, the big question mark about what my dreams are telling me.

Nonetheless, I know my dreams of late manifest the thoughts I refuse to now confront in my conscious mind. It’s not “sweeping under the rug”, I think. I think this is just me setting aside the painful thoughts, to be resurrected again when I’m finally ready to deal with it.

It’s some comfort. Now I don’t quite feel as strongly about isolating myself anymore from the world and my friends. I think I’m ready to rejoin the rest of humanity again and get back the little joys I used to derive from reconnecting with the rest of the world.

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