Stuck in a Rut

I spent half the day taking care of a friend’s 10-month old baby. It was just one of those things that accidentally happened. Of course I hardly got any work done today as a result of my nanny duties.

I don’t like taking care of babies these days. And I admit…. it’s mostly because holding a baby in my arms is a constant, painful reminder of what I don’t have.

It’s not like I can’t conceive. We haven’t really been actively trying. There are just reasons why we can’t have a baby yet. And in many ways, it’s because of reasons outside of myself. Yes, I want a baby. But too many other things are happening around me that involve me, and don’t involve me at the same time — that are acting as major deterrents to why we shouldn’t have one yet. Just trust me, and please leave it at that first.

I’m turning 34 in about six weeks. My doctor told me that it would be best for all concerned if I could get pregnant within the next one year, so I can give birth before I turn 35. I’m not quite sure how this will all unfold in the next few months, but I’m leaning more towards believing that given my track record, it ain’t happening.

Ironically too, before writing this post, I was blog-surfing. Catching up on friends I hadn’t caught up with in awhile. Friends I grew up with. And I discovered that some of my friends’ lives had drastically changed in a good way over the last few years that we’ve been out of touch. They’re well on their way towards realizing the kind of life and future that they want. One has a booming entrepreneurial venture which will someday be her legacy for her son; the other has a successful professional practice that allows her to earn quite a comfortable sum of money while being a stay-at-home mom.

And here I am. Six weeks shy of 34 years old. Restlessly moving from one job to the next, hoping against hope that maybe finding “the” right company for me will make me feel more secure, stable and content. Married to a man in constant panic and anxiety about our future. Stuck in a family situation now filled with even more uncertainties than ever. Bank accounts that don’t grow on its own and still painfully require hard work, blood, sweat and tears to even see some remote change in the possibility of a more lucrative future.

It doesn’t sound so bad, right?

But this is exactly how I’ve been for the last 10 years – save for my age. I refuse to get depressed again, but I gotta admit. I think I am stuck in a rut, and I can’t get out of it…

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